Love: the chocolate version

Ok, so in the last blog, I referenced chocolate twice and that is only because it felt silly to do so more times. I love chocolate. Yes, I'm aware I'm not alone, but I really LOVE chocolate. And I'm not a snob about it either. Peanut or peanut butter M&Ms rival the best foreign chocolate for me. A cookie is not a cookie without chocolate. Ice cream is just bland without it. Cake doesn't exist if it doesn't have chocolate. I am not saying that chocolate goes with absolutely everything, I am saying that things it does go with are made that much better because of it. Chocolate covered grasshoppers are a disgrace to the chocolate.
I have days where dinner doesn't have any substance to it, or chewing requirements. These are liquid dinners. I've heard that said before, in those cases though it referred to alcoholics. I am not an alcoholic. My liquid dinners are a huge mug of hot chocolate made with milk, topped with marshmallow fluff (see previous post for marshmallow fluff excitement). When I was thinking a little ethanol would be nice, I would put a shot of peppermint schnapps in my cocoa. Turns out, the peppermint is ok, it's the schnapps part that took away from the cocoa. I now have mint flavoring, just the sugar, no alcohol to taint the flavor.
And cheating breakfast foods, goodness, they are made that much better with chocolate. So, by cheating I mean stuff which is really dessert packaged nicely and called breakfast to make ourselves feel better. Cereal should be healthy (think Total or Cheerios or something like that). Or eggs/toast. Pancakes are not usually healthy. Same goes for waffles. Muffins don't count and neither does anything which is pre-packaged and goes in the toaster. I refuse to lie to myself and have a strawberry pop-tart and say at least I'm getting my fruit. And if I'm going to have a breakfast cupcake--let's be honest, that's all a muffin is--it's going to have chocolate. Chocolate chip pancakes, chocolate chip waffles, no syrup needed. Donuts? Are you kidding? What is the point of having jelly filled one? No, it should be covered in chocolate, if not also a chocolate base. Unhealthy snack foods should have chocolate too. Rice-crispy treats (with the aforementioned marshmallow fluff of course, don't knock it till you try it) are that much better and indulgent with chocolate melted inside or/and melted on top. Trail mix, chex mix, yep them too, better with chocolate. Can you imagine trail mix without M&Ms? Disgrace. Can even take healthy foods and elevate them to the next level. I also really like my bananas and apples. Chocolate dipped (perhaps frozen too) bananas are a treat.
I love my chocolate. I never have to debate what dessert to order unless between two chocolate ones at a restaurant. I will make cookies without it, but only for other people, I put aside my own emotions in those cases. I have been known to eat chocolate frosting, with no medium, such as a cupcake. Even my tea has chocolate flavor.
I love chocolate. I will not call myself an addict. Because that means I am admitting there is a problem, and I really see no problem. I will not quit chocolate. I love it and it loves me. We will be happy for a very long time. Please don't judge. I love chocolate and that's that.

what is love?

Thank you to Haddaway for use of their song as title to this post.
I tend to think that many of us out there are not easily capable of defining love. For the purpose of this, I am referring to all kinds of love, the caveat being that both subject and object are human (I could go on a rave about how much I love chocolate and maybe some other time I will, for now I'll stick to people).

Perhaps this is something people figure out really young and I am just that far behind the times. Perhaps this is something no on figures out and I'll be a millionaire. Probably, somewhere in between. I don't yet have conciseness or really even a thesis, just some thoughts.

So, what is love? And I don't mean the actions or thoughts that a person has for someone they love. For example, when something good happens to me, there are a couple people I just can't wait to tell. Same goes for something not so good. We'll help them move, again. We'll help clean their kitchen, again. Etc. But what is it?

I think it is everything. Not that I mean to say that the Beatles were right--'All you need is love'--no, just that love is a culmination of everything.

I respect strangers. I admire leaders. I like my acquaintances. I enjoy the company of some. I, well, I could just go on. Love though is a combination of all of these things. Someone I love will be someone I respect, admire, like, enjoy, etc. They may not be the best at every category, but they are in every category. And because that is so rare, it is cherished that much more.

What we do and how we act and what we think can be different with each person this is manifested in.
I do want to add that communication is usually a good requirement. And the ability to be truthful with someone and say what you want and what you need. And to be able to be mad and know they will be there and so will you.

I know I initially said this was human-human, as I write it though, I wonder if it can be expanded to feeling beings. (again, this eliminates chocolate, darn). Take my cats for example. My young, fat one, Ryno, sometimes does some not nice things, like hits me. So I sternly tell him 'no' and he goes and pouts. Then he comes back to me and we make up and everything is ok.

Would this apply to God? Do all of these qualities I've listed and all the ones I left out, do they apply? Is it reciprocal?
I don't have a formed enough response and for now I think these work better as rhetorical questions.

If you haven't thought about really what is love, perhaps you will start and perhaps you will be able to have an ah-ha moment like I did and perhaps you will share that with someone.

Religious Jewelry

Unless it is something you are looking for, I don’t believe most people notice it. Especially here in Colorado, people sporting crosses around their necks is nearly commonplace. They come in a variety of sizes, shapes, colors, metals, etc. More permutations than one can really fathom exist.

On my first trip to Israel, many of thepeople I was with wore something religious. There was a multitude of mogen david; a handful of hamsas, and a smattering of other. If my memory serves, few necks went unadorned. One young Israeli woman asked me why I wore it. At that time it seemed like a silly question. I wanted other people to recognize that not only was I not Christian (no cross) but I was Jewish (star of David). That was a foreign concept to her. Everyone she interacted with was Jewish—it was Israel after all.

I’ve had nearly three years to re-evaluate that question. Most days I wear one of my three necklaces which bear the star of David. I find I play with it when I’m thinking. Or when I am remembering. Or when I need to remember. Or when I’m happy. I recall its presence many times a day. In my evaluations, I have found that I have changed my outlook nearly completely. The necklace is not for other people, it is for me. This is similar to what I mentioned previously about skirts. Not only am I publicly declaring my religion, I am also constantly reminding myself.

Recently I received another piece of jewelry. This time it’s a bracelet. In English, it is has the main six words of the Sh’ma translated. Then in Hebrew it is the entire first part of the sh’ma and her blessings. The shape is a Mobius strip connected. The symbolism represented just in structure is in itself a lengthy analysis discussion, so for now it will be put on the back burner.

“Bind them as a sign upon your hand”. And there it is, on my hand. Because it doesn’t have a clasp (which would ruin design elements), it is not a snug fit on my wrist, luckily just big enough to fit over my fist. As I am walking or writing or moving in any way, there it is—sliding back and forth very noticeably. A sign to everyone—most especially to me. This is taking tefillin to a whole new level; it’s only worn during scheduled davening.

I am reminded of l’shon hora, modesty, faith, tradition, modernity, and the list goes on. I am reminded of the things Judaism is to me.

I proudly put on as a sign upon my hand my new bracelet for all to see and for me to remember.

Adventures of a Wannabe Rabbinical School Student--part I

Subset blog, or a blog within a blog. I was just reading about Nachman of Breslov (one of the foremost Hasidic Masters) and one of his skills was telling tales in tales, sometimes to the point where the reader would forget the initial tale. [maassiot betoch massiot : tales within tales]. That was really just an aside though, a segway into saying that I will begin a new thread: Adventures of a wannabe rabbinical student.

Yep, I said it--I want to be a rabbinical school student, with the end goal of being ordained as a rabbi leading to a congregational pulpit post. Phew, that's a mouthful and a lofty/longterm goal. I say longterm because the very beginning of the final stage would occur in July 2015, just under seven years from now, after I turn 34. Thirty-four seems distant, not old, just distant.
How did this come about? Wish I knew. In one sense it has been an easy decision, in another, the hardest ever. Self-confidence and self-doubt wage battles on the inside. On second thought, I don't think I really want to go into the how at this moment, I'll save that for another entry. Because right now, I made the decision and it's those little things which have begun to plague my head. And some of them are not so little.
Which school? I am a reform Jew, I know this. I cannot be a rabbi in the orthodox realm, I choose not to be in the conservative one. Reconstructionist and renewal aren't a complete fit. So as far as the major movements are concerned, reform is the way to go. I can obtain ordination at two different schools though--well two schools, four campuses. The first is the most obvious, HUC (Hebrew Union College, the reform movements official college). They offer three campuses: NY, LA, and Cincinnati. I am not an LA girl, just not. I realize that is where my parents grew up and even where I was born. It just doesn't feel right though. And New York, there is so much to say about NY; I will just leave it at that it too just doesn't feel right. And although I know nothing of the city and have no preconceived stereotype notions of the place, that leaves Cincinnati. I can say I have a preference, ultimately, the decision is up to the college which campus I go to. The other school is Hebrew College, in Boston. The school considers itself transdenominational. Though I believe I can get a specific ordination if I so choose. Since it is my intent to apply in Sept/Oct 2009 for admission in August 2010, I have over a year to choose which school is a better fit. This will be an interesting process making this determination.

I would remiss to say that I was not thinking about finances. Over $80k just in tuition coupled with the inability to hold a full time job, leads to great concerns over cost. And seeing as how I have not won the lottery or married a millionaire, I think it's only normal to be taking financial worry seriously.

Some of the other little things include my cats. Pets have a unique place in our hearts and my two cats are no exception. My girl is old, very old, she's just nearly 20yrs (in human years--that's like 130yrs in cat years). I've had her since she was kitten, effectively my whole life. And my fat boy is 7.5yrs. Both schools have a year-in-Israel program. What do I do with them then? Could they withstand the travel trauma? Would they be let in the country at all? Would they be safe in a country where stray cats are more numerous than people it seems?

Of course friends and family are high on the list too. Going away for school, not knowing if I'll come back at its completion is daunting. I'm going to miss my nephew's first day at school, and most of his elementary school years. That just doesn't seem right. And what do I do about my best friends? I can barely go a week without seeing them or talking at length with them; I can't imagine being in a different state (let alone another country) as them.

And my rabbis. Yes, they are mine. I think I spoke of this at some point; let me re-cap. In Israel last year a friend talked about his rabbi, the person he would talk to about everything. The person he went to when he was troubled and when he needed guidance. The person who's opinion carried more weight than most. I have that. I have that twice over. Granted I have had teachers my entire life. My undergraduate research professor, Dr. Edgar Civitello , being the closest to a mentor. Ms. Lewis in high school, she was my biology teacher and my friend. When I say it these days, there is a tremendous amount of weight I give that title. He is my teacher. And it is I who feels the privilege to say that I am the student. That relationship will not cease, it will morph. Who isn't nervous for a bit of change?
And that is where much of the trepidation comes from: change.

I must remember in the months ahead that I am still here. I must continue to foster the relationships I have and to lead the life I know as is. Adding a few hours of Hebrew study a week, add some shadowing, add some extra reflecting, add some formality to study. That's all I am going to do: add.

So stay tuned for another installment of a likely random thought-download as this adventure takes off.

s-l-o-w down for autumn

It's September, did anyone notice where August went? Many of the blogs I follow seem like they too took a hiatus for the month. Is it because it is too hot to think? Too many things going on to slow down for a moment and collect thoughts cohesively? (which this is clearly not). The mentality that summer is coming to a close and we need to squeeze every last drop of sunshine out of it before remembering to buy another ice scraper and mittens.
As I got into my car this morning in my usual attire of a skirt and sandals, I shivered. Not just a twitch or momentary chill, oh no, this was enough to warrant turning on my heater in the car for a few minutes. Granted this was at 4a, but still. I was not ready to turn my thermostat from cold to hot. My body unwilling to make the opposite transition from hot to cold. Just part of the season I suppose.
I thought it cool (Jew-nerd alert) that this September and this Elul have the same days. So today is the fourth of Sept and it's also the fourth of Elul. The new moon happened on the first. I don't know how often that happens and I'm having difficulty finding out. I'm sure there is a mathematical formula which will give me the answer easily; it's finding that formula which is the fun challenge (math-nerd alert).
And ah, yes, Elul. What a month. The time to begin thinking about Rosh HaShanah before you open the Machzor. When the white is everywhere in the shul. Where people start to come back from all over, or from just down the street.
Interesting how the time for reflection is the same time of year that we change from summer to autumn. I say this because it feels natural to contemplate at this time. When the leaves start to change, slowly; when the days get shorter, slowly; when the air starts to chill; slowly.
For me, autumn is quiet transition, a slow, careful, thoughtful, one. We remember to slow down too. Either our memories or our children bring up that sense of wonder with the starting of school. We stop rushing from camp to camp or from one trip to another, from one summer adventure to the next. We begin to comfortably settle into a routine.
I was just thinking about food too. Many of the autumn foods take a while to cook. Squash is best eaten cooked, not raw, and they take quite some time in the oven if patience is given to them. Autumn pies, like apple or pumpkin or pecan, take a while. Ginger cookies and molasses ones too take time.
Correlating this to Elul, I am able to find parallels. Just like food takes patience, so too do we. In a time for reflection and repentance, remembering to be patient with each other, and ourselves. Just as the leaves don't change overnight, neither do we. Just as pies take a little more thoughtfulness, so too do relationships. Just as the air doesn't snap on the cold, neither should we.
In this time of slow transition, take those moments to reflect and contemplate and let the air around us be the guide to the space within us.