I've found another passion

What a wonderful way to spend a spring day in Colorado. The morning started out like they do this time of year-with two inches of snow on the ground completely unexpectedly. The wind picked up and I was entertained by a snow-globe view outside my window (or was I really the one in the snow-globe?!). The sun peeked through the clouds long enough to cast off the winter blanket. Then as the day wore on, the clouds rolled in again, this time dark and thick. BOOM! CRASH! CLAP! Thunder rattled my windows and rain danced on the patio. The wind howled. An hour later, calm once again returned. And ever so beautifully, a rainbow came out. All this occurred over less than ten hours, all viewed from my living room window, the majestic mountains as a backdrop.
I found myself home because I needed a day off work, for many reasons, not the least of which was a mental health day. I read tehillim (specifically #28 repeatedly) and this week's parsha (tazria). I searched online for any information on the portion. I went from link to link to link. From one person's very reform and rather detached view to a strict orthodox reading. From G-d who punished to one who ignored. One common thread seemed to be how in jest authors of commentary would note how b'nai mitzvah kids rued getting this parsha because of its gruesome nature. I reveled in its study. For a few hours I did this and my appetite was barely touched. I wished I had more sources at my disposal. I wished I knew how to read/understand Hebrew more fully (ok, at all, ulpan aleph doesn't get a person very far) so that I could better come up with my own interpretations and appreciate those of learned scholars more so. I had a tremendously good time.

I find that I feel somewhat inept when doing prayer on my own, and more so when doing it with an experienced davener. The words seem to flow so easily for them, while I still trip over my chet's and tzadi's. I still find my eyes wandering to the english translation so I can glean meaning from the words which are more beautiful and spiritual in hebrew yet I lack the understanding to grasp even the most basic context. Melodies which I have never heard I struggle to adopt. My mind wishes to be a sponge, some days more saturated than others.

Though I feel a little embarrassed, I keep going, I keep trying, I keep doing. I try not to be shy about asking questions and showing the novice I really am. I cannot wait to lead services and yet am petrified at the thought of people looking to me for guidance--spiritual or practical. No, that's incorrect, not petrified. I'm scared, anticipatory, frightened, excited, giddy, hopeful.

I realized as I was studying, actually, several hours later, how during that time I didn't think of chemistry once. I have such a passion for chemistry. But honestly, I do feel the need to be paid to do it. I recognize that my current job is not ideal for me and that my passion still exists for the subject, a different application would be nice though. Ignoring the practicalities of needing to pay my rent, right now, I'd be happy to study Judaism for free. I smile (rather grin) at the idea of walking into a beit midrash and having all the seferim at my disposal. To learn Hebrew fluently and 'get-it' would be a welcome gift.
Writing the d'var torah challenged me to pull from life, from my own experiences, from teachers I've met and from those I haven't (how cool it would be to have dinner with Miamonides!). I had to get emotional and intellectual and spiritual. Granted, I didn't need any calculus or advanced math (same can be said for current job though). I didn't need to wonder about molecular interactions. Rather, I got to wonder about human interactions and about divine interactions. I'm boggled still.

It is nice to know that I have found something else which drives my passion so much that I forget the passage of time, that I take myself out of my own head and my daily life. It is such a gift to have the time to do that and to know that I have found twice what some people struggle to find ever. Now if only I can learn to accommodate both adequately. I think I am now, but a little more Jewish study would be nice. It's all a learning process.