My count down actually began a bit ago but as it is only next Saturday, I have been gearing up for Pesach. In so many ways I am gearing up. My coworkers and friends/family are noticing because they are on the receiving end of chametz removal in the form of baked goods. So many cookies and cupcakes and muffins have been coming out of my oven recently, it's amazing how much 10lbs of flour can make. I'm carb-loading most nights with pasta and rice; cereal every morning and for snacks. Went to the grocery store to load up on meat because that will be a staple for eight days, as will eggs. This is the original Atkins diet. I am rearranging my dishes, only slightly though because I don't have the quantity to do so fully, or the kitchen space requirements. Probably the origin of spring cleaning too.
All of these outward expressions are just that, expressions. These are the tangible activities I demonstrate in my preparation for Pesach, the majority of the transitions happening internally. I go through my heart and my soul and find the analogous chametz there. Those things which I carry around with me daily, without even thinking about it. I harbor emotions for so long that they become second nature rather than new. The act of baking is a very real reminder to think about other people. Getting my hands in the dough, kneading the bread with just enough pressure for just the right amount of time is a balance which brings my attention to other things in my life which need to balance. Patience is exampled when cookies are rising in the oven and the temptation is to check on them. Or when they finally come out to have them immediately thereby burning my mouth. Where else do I need to apply patience? Outward forces questioning my motivations--why am I doing this --only forces me to answer them for myself. Not succumbing to peer pressure to follow the crowd is a powerful activity, giving myself conviction to do what I know is right (qualifier: right for me).
On an additional level, I have to revisit why this 'holiday' exists--for the same reason I do. G-d led my (your? our?) people out of oppression and into freedom. I don't make bricks all day or plow the land or serve someone else; I don't get beat with a whip; I have plenty to eat and drink. How then can I connect to slavery? Who/what is my oppressor? What am I willing to sacrifice to get freedom? Am I ready to face the unknown, the uncertain? I feel I am better equipped to 'celebrate' once I have these questions answered. And each year I do this, I find some of the same oppressors are still with me. Similarly, I find I have new ones and have been freed from old ones.
To get a little personal, this year, I am feel like a slave to medical diagnosticians and doctors and knives. Most of the time I see a way to freedom, a new perspective is one of the best ways to get there. Control is a familiar oppressor. I should say the need for it and the actual lack of it. I feel more equipped this year than previous because faith has a surprising effect on giving up control. And one that comes and goes I am hoping will go for good this year and that is loneliness. I feel fairly confident in saying we have all felt a bit of this at some point in our lives, I certainly don't see myself as an exception. Internal happiness, friends, passions are my ways to freedom, and this year might be my year.
On a less optimistic note, what happens when freedom is obtained? Our people wandered in the desert for two generations; time enough for memories to lapse. I feel we are at the time in modern history. This year celebrates
No comments:
Post a Comment